The Nearer It Gets, the Scareder I Get

 I have to face it, I'm scared.  It's a kind of scared of the unknown and immanent dread of something that is going to happen but you're not sure quite what.  The bone marrow transplant is going to happen, I can't get out of it or I'll simply die. I don't really want to die yet, but I've seen my life wasted chasing one thing after another, while doing simply nothing.  That is what is the worst. One of the biggest things that I hope doesn't happen is that I get through this, the chemo, the radiation, the sickness, weakness and time in the hospital and through all this, I'm not changed to the better, that I end up the same.  I don't want that.  I have always cared about what every one has said and thought of me, which I'm not very sure has done me any good or not. I've always obeyed the rules, waited my turn and put others before myself.  I've done unto others as I would have them do unto me and tried to love my neighbor as myself.  I believe that has done me well.  What I don't think has benefitted me is worrying what others think about me.  But how to change that mindset isn't easy.


And not finishing what I have started is a big pet peeve about me.  I don't know how to change that.  Am I to do one of the 100+ projects that I half do?  How do I stay on one thing?  

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