Cancer, Chemo and Cocktails!

 I have to face it, I'm scared.  It's a kind of scared of the unknown and immanent dread of something that is going to happen but you're not sure quite what.  The bone marrow transplant is going to happen, I can't get out of it or I'll simply die. I don't really want to die yet, but I've seen my life wasted chasing one thing after another, while doing simply nothing.  That is what is the worst. One of the biggest things that I hope doesn't happen is that I get through this, the chemo, the radiation, the sickness, weakness and time in the hospital and through all this, I'm not changed to the better, that I end up the same.  I don't want that.  I have always cared about what every one has said and thought of me, which I'm not very sure has done me any good or not. I've always obeyed the rules, waited my turn and put others before myself.  I've done unto others as I would have them do unto me and tried to love my neighbor as myself.  I b

 Today I got the schedule for the upcoming health exams and finally, the date for the bone marrow transplant.  April 21.  I'm excited and at the same time terrified, more terrified than excited, much more.  The thing is, with this cancer, I don't feel bad.  I get a little tired in the afternoons but for the most part, I wouldn't know I had cancer if I didn't have some pretty whacked up blood results.   I don't want to die, yet, but I am scared at the thought of being brought to the edge of death and back.  I'm wondering will I feel better when this is all over?  Will I have a different perspective on life when I come through this, and if so, what will it be?  Will I be changed at all?   I can guess that only time will tell.

 Just received a call that will save my life...they found a bone marrow donor for me.  To say that I am thrilled and scared beyond all human reason would be an understatement.